Weekly Meditation JULY 5th, 2009

http://www.hopeandhelpcenter.org/

Weekly Meditation
by Sandra English

"Bread for the Journey"
"If it had not been
for the Lord on my side...
Where would I be?
Where would I be?"
(African American Gospel Song)

Meditation: Psalm 124
If the Lord had not been on our side;
Israel may now say,
If the Lord had not been on our side
when they assailed us,
they would have swallowed us alive
when their anger was roused against us.
The waters would have carried us
away
and the torrent swept over us;
over us would have swept
The seething waters.
Blessed be the Lord, who did not
leave us
to be the prey between their teeth.
We have escaped like a bird
from the fowler's trap'
the trap broke, and so we escaped
Our help is in the name of the Lord,
maker of heaven and earth.


I believe I've been called to testify!

In 1993 my brother died from AIDS. His death shattered my world. We were only two years apart - I was the oldest.

Through my heavy grieving period and severe depression, I learned some things about my self and our home life. I entered therapy and the depression continued to linger - until my therapist advised me to see a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bi-Polar - a condition I had denied and run from since I was sixteen.

In therapy I faced the reality that my brother, my older sister and I did not live in the "perfect" 1950's home I had in my mind.

I had disassociated & tucked away the memories of the childhood sexual abuse, my father had perpetuated on us.

I also began to see my mother's alcoholism and my father's alcoholism and drug addiction. And consequently, I came to understand that I had been battered in one relationship after another, and that there had even been a date rape.

It was all too much to handle. In my depression, I resigned my acting job and my M.F.A. program to give myself time to heal. Still I was not so sure I had "food enough for this journey."

My son was living with me and the money I had quickly ran out. I was forced to go on welfare and receive money from my mother.

But the difficulties didn't stop there. I tried to go back to work. I took a job at my church, but was quickly fired. I continued to get into relationships with addicts. During this period of time: I fell 15 feet into a dry canal, injuring my left leg; developed severe allergies; and was hit by a pick-up truck- breaking all of my ribs on the right side.

Broken, battered...I had to return home to St. Louis. There were blessings here I so desperately needed. I had better mental healthcare. My son and I qualified for an apartment of our own, and I was able to get my Social Security Disability.

Life still has its difficulties, but I had more than enough food for the journey. Each way of doubt or despair God met me in prayer, through the Bible, through song, with others who could give a healing word, and a beautiful church home I share with hundreds of travelers.

I've reconciled with my family. My son has survived these difficulties with a tremendous faith in God and a thriving life. I have a partner and our relationship allows us to live comfortably.


"If it had not been for the
Lord on my side...
Where would I be?"